>Guilt and Regret

>It’s 4 am while my hands shakingly kiss the keys of my laptop. By the time I post it, it maybe 5 or 6 or who knows if I shall ever post it. Eyes are blurred. Body is sweating. Legs have given away their strength. And mind is nostalgic. Nostalgic… Nostalgic… Ummm… Nostalgic. Somebody please tell me why am I repeating this word ‘nostalgic’. I have no answers right now. I am writing this post to kill boredom, frustration or maybe to kill the inner demon of guilt and regret that has been breeding inside me like a leech. I realised one particular thing. Most of the people fall ill due to depression. But the root of all evils i.e. depression is regret and guilt. Let me get you across various reasons that breeds regret and guilt.

1. Regret for failing in exams.
2. Regret for a broken relationship.
3. Regret for mulling over past.
4. Regret for not stand up for something or someone during testing times.
5. Regret for things happening in the surroundings.

Same applies for the reasons of guilt.

1. Guilt for wasting time rather than studying for exams.
2. Guilt for not trying to mend a broken relationship.
3. Guilt for misdeeds done in the past.
4. Guilt for acting like a coward when somebody need you the most.
5. Guilt for not taking actions against anti-social or anti-peace work in the surroundings.

All we want to do is blame either ourselves or others. But we don’t want to just get over it. I mean why the ‘fuck’ should we be doing it, right? He’ll do it. She’ll do it. But nobody says I’ll do it. A few days I can across an sms.

“Japanese proverb: If I can do it… You can do it.
Indian version: If I can do it… Let him do it. If no one can do it… Leave it!”

What makes me write in the middle of the night is the resentment that I have been experiencing. Sheer bitterness. Maybe for some of the above stated reasons or maybe for most of the above stated reasons. I want to tell you something. This mind is the biggest bastard that I have ever come across. Like I posted in my previous post “Rendezvous”, it makes you remember those things that you wish to forget. And that’s how it gives birth to guilt and regret. I wonder how beautiful life would have been if these two villains were never born! I want to share an experience right now. While being asleep I faced my created characters Roy and Aditya. Let me put them as my alter egos. Sounds funny though. Roy is full of sarcasm, stone-hearted, a loser kind of a guy and Aditya is like any irresponsible person with a who-cares attitude. Being the creator of these two characters I can spot the differences (and hopefully you too could spot after reading ‘Complications Simplified’ and ‘The Pink Slip’) in their lifestyles and attitudes. But there are two similarities between them. Guilt and Regret.

As usual, there was a tug of war between them where I was the prized possession they were waiting to claim. And the war of words acted like a rope. There have been so many arguments which I don’t wish to emphasize. But at the end of the dream, it got me thinking… Is this really me? Man is the architect of his own fate. Is this what I created for myself? There’s a certain amount of nostalgia breeding within us when we come across the moments of past. But do they really matter now? Why do we want to go back to those sad moments? I know most of us will read it like any other boring thesis by a pyschology lover. But think about it. I fancy a debate over this topic. Are you ready for it?

That’s it for now. A small post but with a deep thinking. Ciao!

>Rendezvous with 2009

>Ok… I am bored of writing my blogposts in the same style. How about some change? Today, I plan to have a rendezvous with the year 2009.

Meeting time: Whenever you get to read this blog.
Meeting place: Your computer screens.

Ok, so here we have a tete-a-tete with Mr. 2009.

Me: Hello 2009.

2009: Wassup man! Howz you?

Me: Happy (chuckles)

2009: Oh yeah (sarcastically)? What makes you so happy?

Me: Well.. For the simple fact that you shall be dead within a span of minutes and never come back in our lives.

2009: Huh! Big deal!

Me: That’s you! Arrogance at its best!

2009: Well.. It isn’t me who’s actually replying you. It’s you who’s having a debate with your own conscience.

Me: Lol.. A case of sour grapes. Do you think I should believe you when I know that you shall get vanished of my life after a few minutes?

2009: Well.. It’s upto you to decide whether you wanna be a believer or non believer. Because, like every human, you have been given a power of choice.

Me: Give me one good and valid reason to prove yourself.

2009: Ahem! You are what you are because of some of my contribution.

Me: (silent)

2009: Don’t you get me? You are what you are because of the events that you imprinted on me.

Me: Hah! How the hell did I imprint something on you when I don’t even have a proof of your existence?

2009:You never needed my existence. I was always with you for the whole year, inseperable from you like soul and body.

Me: I don’t get you.

2009: I was with you in the form of memories. I am with you in the form of memories. And like always, I shall always be with you in the form of memories.

Me: Duh! Can’t you just simplify your talks and explain me the connection between your presence and memories?

2009: Ok. How about this one? Do you remember your first day with me?

Me: You mean 1st January, 2009?

2009: Yeah!

Me: How can I forget it! You took the first step in my life and I started weaving a web of lies.

2009: Now how does that involve me in your misdeeds?

Me: Simple boss.. I had to fool my friends to avoid late night party, celebrate and welcome you. My ass was in the line of fire (like always) that day and I had to keep my face straight without others knowing that I was in a real bad mood for not being able to live on my terms. And the next morning I had a big fight with parents and the whole schedule went haywire.

2009: Can’t you think of any positive stuff?

Me: Had you given me any optimistic feeling on your first day of arrival? On contrary, you scared the hell out of me, making me wonder how will I deal with you for the next 12 months.

2009: Well, I did give you one positive thing that day.

Me: (scratching head) And what was that?

2009: Your diary that you start with Dear Diary.

Me: Rofl.. How does it make you think that you shall get the honours of my hobby of writing?

2009: Simple logic. You wouldn’t have written it without my existence. Ok let’s make it more simple. If I hadn’t walked hand in hand with you this far then how would you have recorded all your good and not-so-good memories?

Me: Huh! Good memories. I doubt if I can remember any. All I remember is the not-so-good memories which according to me are worst to be called so.

2009: Why do you always crib?

Me: Why don’t you just keep your mouth shut and fuck off? I have had enough of you anyways.

2009: (laughing) That’s the problem. Not only in you but in all the humans living in this world. All you people want is to take good things for granted and spill the bad experiences in my name. How can you guys be so selfish in taking away my laurels of giving you good memories? All you people do is force me to take the credit of bad memories.

Me: But that’s the only thing I remember.. The bad ones. Even if I try to forget or erase those memories, I simply cannot.

2009: (laughing furiously) Human minds are the biggest hypocrites and the biggest bastards in this world. All they want to do is remember things that they wish to forget. May it be bad days, bad relationships, bad experiences or bad memories!

Me: (eyes down with embarrassment)

2009: Ok. I wish to ask you readers. Why do I take the blame for your misdeeds? Why do I take blame if something did not go according to your plan? If I gave you the power to become the architect of your own fate then why did you underuse or misuse it? All you guys wish to remember is the day you failed, the day you fought with your loved ones, the day when somebody broke your heart, the day when your closed ones bitched about you, the day when you underperformed, the day when things didn’t go well. In short all you guys want to remember are the times that you crave to forget. But you don’t want to remember the days when you smiled after seeing your loved ones happy, the day when a member entered your life in the form of your kids, your friends, your life partner, your soulmate. You don’t even wish to remember the day when you got appreciated for your smallest of efforts, the day when somebody (who matters the most, parents, teachers, bosses) showered praises on you. You don’t wish to remember the day when your favourite sports team or sportsman came back victorious just to make you beam with pride. Grow up guys! I wont be able to come back to repair your ‘yesterday’. Why not welcome 2010 ‘today’ wholeheartedly and build a better ‘tomorrow’?

Ok! So the interview is over. Don’t ask me how it ended. I never wrote this stuff to teach you or preach you with goofy shit teachings. I also don’t want to make this sound as if you are reading some motivational book. I have written this post to thank you all for the good memories that you have gifted me through your presence in my life. I want to thank you for not I was without you but for what I am with you.



Happy New Year!